Good dad, selfish dad?
Jackson said his first real words yesterday. I was giving him a bath and Candy, our ballerina like cat, sauntered into the bathroom. Jackson looked at her, pointed and said ‘at!’.
Whoa. I was dumbstruck.
That simple action reminded me that he’s a person, not just a ‘baby’, and my duties as a father are very important and very real. I know it’s important that I spend real time with him – time where I’m not distracted by work or other things.
I, like many of you, absolutely love what I do at work. Running Carsonified is tremendously fun, challenging and exciting. Often, without even knowing it, my mind will wander back to what’s happening at work. However, I’ll be damned if I’m one of those work-a-holic dads who is always staring at their iPhone, answering emails or talking about work.
I believe that the key must be putting the needs of your family before your own – becoming more selfless.
So how do you do this? How can you practice selflessness on a daily basis? Any dads out there have experience in this area that want to share some words of wisdom? What’s the best way to make sure you’re giving your family the time they deserve and yet be passionate about your work?
57 Comments, Comment or Ping
frozenskys
Having a 7 year old boy and a 4 year old girl at home, and trying to hold down a full time job whilst also trying to bootstrap our web design company I find that it tends to balance out in the end. Yes I do find myself thinking about work sometimes when I am with the kids, however I also find myself thinking about the kids, and doing things for them, when I should be working. A real case of swings and round-a-bouts :-D
Feb 8th, 2009
Paul Boag
Okay, I know this is going to make me sound really sad but the answer for me was GTD. GTD encourages you to create tasks for everything and not really differentiate between work and home life. I therefore have tasks for launching our next client site alongside taking James out for some father and son time or doing something romantic with Cath.
I find this works really well because they are all given equal priority in my task list. If my task list consists of only work stuff then family stuff only happens once all my work stuff is done, which it never is.
Hope that helps.
Feb 8th, 2009
Ben Bodien
It sounds boring but I find it helps to come up with a routine that encapsulates work and family and gives plenty of time to both. For example, put aside the first hour of every day to have breakfast together, or chunk up the weekend into recurring activities like a walk in the park followed by a trip to a favourite cafe – I take my son to football on Saturday mornings and then weather permitting we go and practise more in the park. At age 4, he now understands the pattern (it's a great way to teach days of the week too!). It also makes the time in between when I'm focused on work more acceptable.
It's also good to not completely block out family while you're in work mode – text messages, a 15 minute break to meet for coffee, or IM conversations mid-day all help to keep family blended into your day. Avoid mixing work into the family times though, as you say.
Feb 8th, 2009
Sean Johnson
Jeez – you work a four day week and you still can't find enough time ???? ;)
Feb 8th, 2009
Ryan Carson
Interesting – I've started to do this and I think you're right – definitely helps. I think putting it on a todo list isn't 'sad' at all – it shows it's important to you. Thanks for the tip!
Feb 8th, 2009
Alister Cameron
Ryan, I don't think we dads got taught particularly well by our dads. So we're learning "on the job". My learning has been dramatically sped up by my wife's chronic illness and my need to take over the reigns at home, while trying to continue to run the business (yes, I too am a CEO). I have 4 kids from 10 down to 4.
What I have found is that even men can multi-task when they need to. I've found that I still need my Twitter, blogging, iPhone, etc, but I need to make time for it when there is no conflict with family matters… late at nite, mostly!
I've also discovered that the business doesn't need me as much as the kids do. I mean, really. When you're not there, it's amazing what others can do!
I'm (mostly) replaceable at work but not at home. I've also found that when I juggle both I can find a different fulfilment in both, and they somehow complement each other.
Finally, in my special case, I guess I have an immense respect for single moms. They're doing an amazing job. In my case it's temporary. My wife will return home when she's recovered enough to be able to not crash again.
I'm enjoying it… and you sound like you are too. And that matters heaps. I now realize I am fortunate to have this time with my kids, which had not these circumstances occurred, I might not have had the "vision" to pursue. No… I can say for sure I'd have left my wife with the kids (she loves the mom thing) and I'd be doing the work thing… mostly. But this, despite the pressures, is better.
Feb 8th, 2009
Jamie Thompson
What he said. I tend to try and not think too hard about it, but it does somehow balance itself out. Doing what we do, and working from home, there are inevitably always gonna be "later, daddy's busy" moments, but there are equally times when you end up doing something with the kids when you *really* should be working. The only real problem is the feelings of guilt (in both directions) and how you handle them. I guess.
It's hard not to feel guilt. #uksnow was a prime example. The kids were home off school due to closures. I was *very* busy and all they wanted me to do was come and play in the snow with them. I was totally bummed that I didn't have time to spend all day playing in the snow with them, but at the same time if I worked in some other job I wouldn't have been at home anyway.
Swings and round-a-bouts
Feb 8th, 2009
Ryan Carson
You're right – it's important to remember it's an amazing honor to be a dad – something to be enjoyed while it lasts.
Feb 8th, 2009
Anton Mannering
Hey Ryan. Honestly in all things you have to balance the long term with the fact that your son will only grow up once.
That's not very easy. Sometimes the selfless thing to do is to NOT spend time with your family because you have to make sure they're financially secure for the future.
If you're lucky you'll never have to do this too much.
Spending time with a small baby can be way more difficult for a guy for a whole host of reasons. We don't have the same kind of bond a mother has no matter how much we want to, and that's ok, that's how it's supposed to be.
I think ultimately that being there and paying attention is all you can do and muddle through from there, there aren't any definitive answers.
The only advice I'd ever give to a fellow Dad is this, and it probably only applies when they're older. Don't make many promises and when you do, deliver on them in spades, Kids remember FOREVER.
But then that's probably good advice for anything you're doing.
Feb 8th, 2009
Jimhandi
First thanks for your inspiration! Second, You have asked the right question, and the answer is be a dad on purpose and be carsonified on purpose. Be a blessing to your children in the present. Fathers are about Purpose, Faith, Hope, and Love. Peace be with you. jro
Feb 8th, 2009
Benno Wasserstein
Having been a father for only 13 months, I don't have too much experience in this, but there are a few things I try and do:
1. Be home for bathtime (18:30) as often as feasibly possible, and carry on working once my son is asleep.
2. If I have to work on weekends, I'll get up extra early and work extra late, but try and give my family as much time during the day. I'll also take advantage of when he naps (such as now).
3. Minimise my iPhone checking when with him, although this one I find the hardest, particularly if I'm distracted by a work issue (or by Twitter!).
Feb 8th, 2009
Tim Marshall
It's difficult to get a good work life balance; bad enough if you work for the man 9-5, even worse if you are your own boss. It's then increasingly difficult to switch off from the work and focus on the family.
Whilst i don't create tasks like Paul i adhere to a few routine things to keep my 3 kids and the wife happy so i guess it's not too dissimilar:
I always eat with with the family always as it helps to catch up on what's been going on.
I don't do any evening work till all the kids are in bed and then only if required.
I have a nightly gaming session with the eldest for an hour before he goes to bed.
I set aside one of my weekend days a fortnight to work (again only if required).
All other times i'm available for family activities and whilst i sneak onto my computer here and there it's never for anything that i can't walk away from straight away; replying to blogs like this for example!
It's hard but if you get a routine going, plan your work out properly etc then it is possible to please both clients and family. There's no hard and fast answers to the best solution; it's what works best for you.
Feb 8th, 2009
Charlie_Park
A lot of wisdom in the thread already. From my perspective (3 girls: almost 5, almost 2, almost 2; also, startup founder), the key has been *routines*, for the family and for me. For me, it means going to sleep early and getting up early to work. I usually can get close to 2 hours in before the kids are up. I can get more work done during their naptime (although I often have to nap, too), and once they're in bed.
Another technique that helps (and I've heard Merlin Mann say this, too) is to do your work on a laptop, and during the times when you want to be "on" with your family, to turn the laptop off, put it in its bag, and not get it out again until the kids are in bed (or whatever). If the screen is on, it's way too easy to get sucked into whatever "crisis" is going on in your inbox. If it's really a crisis, you need to leave the kids with Gillian and go deal with it. If it's not that urgent, it can wait a few hours until you're available to work again.
Feb 8th, 2009
Mark Walmsley
In my experience, boys' requirements of Dad are different from girls' Ryan.
I've read that boys' formative years tend to be influenced primarily as follows: First 6 years it's Mum, 2nd it's Dad and the 3rd six is often a mentoring period with an alternative older relative. Brother/Cousin/Uncle etc. Makes sense to me. So I'll wait until Jack is 6 before I start my shift ;-)
With girls, it just so happens that the things they like to do are more fun with Mum or another female relative or friend etc. You know … bear baiting, pike fishing, voodoo, oh, and spending SIX of Saturday's precious waking hours in a hair salon while you're at it. Thank you for this opportunity to vent that one.
Of course as parents we want to spend time with our kids, enrich their lives and find the balance in our own, but deep down, many of us feel guilty that – at times – there really are other things we feel we want, could and/or should be doing.
Shelve that guilt and create a routine. Saturday mornings are me with the kids doing whatever we have planned or whatever takes our fancy. Lunch will be out with Mum and/or friends joining us or us all at home. On Saturday afternoon I tend to do something for myself. Golf, watching rugby at the pub or catching up on work at home in a quiet corner.
Sunday, my wife tends to do the early shift and we do something together after lunch.
It may be a bit too 'structured play' for some but it works for us.
Mark
Feb 8th, 2009
Robin Parker
Speaking from personal experience, I would say under no circumstances should you turn your computer on – even just to check emails – while on family time, as I've found so many times that a quick five minutes online becomes half an hour, then you start getting annoyed with your family for distracting you, and then when you finally tear yourself away from the screen your mind's on work issues. I find that if you can just avoid turning your computer on in the first place, it's much easier to stay focused on your family, which in turns means you enjoy your family time more – and hopefully so will your family :-)
Feb 8th, 2009
Paul Mackenzie Ross
It's all about getting a truly genuine balance between work & family and then making each side work to optimal efficiency.
Although my 7 year old's back in the US right now, when she's here I make sure I cram as much into my working day as possible. I try and optimise every job, every task I do so that I don't waste time in my 8 hours "working for the man" and that I can leave on time to make sure my littl'un has as much of my attention before she goes to bed. If I need to I can work "after hours". In addition, having really great & trustworthy hard-working staff with lots of potential working for you is absolutely imperative.
Running my own business on top of that really takes a back seat and it has been really neglected for 10 years – right now I'd rather have the love I share with my child than the ego boost of a successful business and the money is secondary although it certainly helps.
Thinking ahead… would I rather have a mountain of money and a kid that doesn't care or great family and no money? There's a degree of balance in there that's different for everybody's circumstances it's just a question of finding what's right for you :)
So now that my little girl's back in NY I'll be getting my head down and working like a demon until I see her next.
Feb 8th, 2009
Richard @indibook
I decided to leave the film industry behind in London 5 years ago and come home to look after my kids – I was missing too much of them growing up. Now I'm in the midst of a major web app start up and time is really hard to split between work and family. Family has to come first but the bottom line is that you cannot get the balance right all the time. All you can do is your best – don't knock yourself out!
Feb 8th, 2009
Tim Gluth
First, the important thing: Congratulations! Once your child starts to speak, it opens up a new world of joy (and entertainment).
The balancing act between career and family is a tough one. I'm no-where as busy as you are (just a guess) but I'm busy enough and find it difficult some times to keep that balance. What I find works the best is once I get home from the day job, I focus on family. I do have a tendency to sneak down to my home office to check email (or when my wife hasn't commandeered my iPhone, I'll give that a peek or two), but I'm trying to cut back on that habit.
If I have additional work that needs to be done, I wait until the family goes to sleep. It's Hell on my sleeping schedule, but I can get everything done that needs my attention, especially the important things, family.
Feb 8th, 2009
Darren Beale
I tend to not beat myself up about this too much. I think that if the work-life balance is there then all else follows.
I tend to work normalish hours to bring in the bacon but sometimes I have to work weekends or evenings but many other times I don't. It balances out and we err on the side of family.
I do try to make story time and I also endeavour to have one on one time with one of my three individually for extended periods, such as a 'daddy only' weekend away with one of them.
Feb 8th, 2009
Ryan Carson
Great ideas Benno – thanks.
Feb 8th, 2009
Ryan Carson
Great idea to keep the laptop off.
Feb 8th, 2009
Nathan Bobbin
Some great advice here. For me, it all boils down to this – make sure your son knows you love him. Make sure he knows that family is first for you, as it is for your wife, as it should be for him. Internalize and demonstrate this and you'll be fine (and it sound like you already have).
Don't sweat the small stuff and enjoy every minute of being a father.
Feb 8th, 2009
Richard Cooper
Have to agree with this one – the laptop off = family time works well for me as well.
Feb 8th, 2009
Laura
Hi Ryan,
Well, If you think being a dad is hard you gotta give being a yummy mummy a try!! ;-P
On a serious note though – IMHO, the very fact that you have considered this question that plagues so many parents shows that you are a great dad!
Raising our children is not an easy or simple task and according to most people I speak to it gets harder!! (help!)
But I try to keep in mind anything good and worth having takes hard work -sometimes we fail :-( sometimes we succeed :-D
but we keep on going to do and be the best we can be.
Enjoy Jackson and good luck for the future,
Laura.
x
Feb 8th, 2009
Jon Beattie
Hi Ryan.
I run a 20 person digital agency and have a 4 year old daughter. There is no easy answer to this one and as you have identified, the older they get, the more sensitive your children are to what you do. There are a few things I have learnt.
It is about what you do every day. In the first year, I thought it was about doing the "bread winner" thing. If I worked harder and harder, and then made time for the family at the weekends, then that would be enough. It isn't. Now, I have a fairly unusual routine. I generally wake up before my wife and daughter, at 4 .30am and work for 2 hours. When they get up I make sure I have breakfast with them both. We share the drop off and pick up routine, so normally about half the time I'll finish work early and pick my daughter up from daycare. That time then in the late afternoon/evening is father/daughter time. We can play together or go to the park and then do dinner/bath/bed routine. Reading books at bed time, is particularly important. That is also our time to talk about the day and things we are looking forward to at the weekend etc. I do occasionally have to take calls or answer some emails, but I try to wait until after she goes to bed and then do a couple of hours to clear the backlog and get ready for the next day.
Don't forget that you also have to make time for your wife, as that is just as important.
I involve my daughter in what I do. She visits the office frequently, and knows the team and so if I have to be there I'll explain exactly what I'm doing and who I'm meeting with. Occasionally, if she'll come to work with me for the day. I set her up with activities to do, and she'll sit in with me on meetings. I did a job interview a couple of months ago, and the poor candidate was trying to concentrate, whilst she was drawing Winnie the Pooh on the whiteboard behind him! I answer her questions about my work honestly and completely, it seems to help that she knows what is going on. If I have to be away for a while or miss something because of work, I'll explain why and how it is not what I want to do, but that is just how things are sometimes.
The flip side of being the boss, is that sometimes if I have had a hard week and haven't seen much of her or had to travel, I'll finish early or take a half day and we'll go and do something together. After 8 years of running a business and 4 as a father, there are good times and bad, and you just have to take advantage of it when it is good, and just deal with it when it is not so good.
When I travel, I use Skype Video Calls every day to talk to them. It is still hard, but it helps.
Time will tell if any of this makes any difference, but so far I think we have a pretty amazing father/daughter relationship. I try not to fret about the fact that I have a demanding job and try to be a better dad every day by building it into my schedule and routine.
Feb 8th, 2009
Jason Thompson
I ended up reading this post and all the comments on it instead of spending time with my wife and daughter. Thanks for ruining my family, Carson.
Feb 8th, 2009
Ryan Carson
Thompson! Thanks for stopping by. I've been wondering how you're doing actually. Can you email me some times that work for catching up on the phone? I'll give you a call.
Feb 8th, 2009
Tim_Malbon
I was wondering about this myself earlier – I'm lucky enough to have an 11 week old boy called Felix, and I run a digital agency in London called Made by Many.
I've been trying not to work at weekends, and in the evenings. I must admit, I do feel guilty even working at all – but I guess that's what puts milk into the bottles! It's the first time me and my wife have played trad gender roles – which has its strains. I don't have any advice at all but I've taken some away from your comments.
Feb 8th, 2009
gommit
This is one of the best blog conversations ever.
I´ll be joining the ranks of geek dads in June and your points have helped my form a strategy.
Feb 8th, 2009
John Gilbert
YO – Hope all is well. The biggest thing for me is to be home for dinner. Before becoming a dad I'd stay at work until what needed to get done was done. That usually put me at the front door by 8pm and then I'd work another hour or two later at night. I know that if I can get home by dinner I have a few hours with the little one and it takes the pressure off my wife in the evening. I also have to put my iPhone away for a couple hours and ignore everything that comes through until later in the evening. Everything else I'm still figuring out.
Feb 8th, 2009
Dan Dineen
Hi Ryan,
It seems like everyone here has got their heads screwed on pretty tightly (including yourself). Events like Jackson's first words are bound to have a pretty profound effect on the way you view your work/life balance. You are privileged to have been there when Jackson chose to introduce his burgeoning personality to the world!
From my own perspective I've recently come up against something similar – just at a later stage of my little ones development. I spent the first 4 years of my daughter's life working in the back room of our house. It meant that it was easy to take her to school, go swimming or fit other things around work and clients. I was always around and it felt good.
Late last year the business got to stage where we could afford to take on an office. Various reasons dictated that the office was an hour away from home and that meant no more easy day-trips out with Honey. After a few weeks I started to feel pretty darn resentful of work and the fact that I couldn't do all the things I used to be able to do. Spontaneous father-daughter time was getting pretty difficult to find.
Four months on I am still battling with the discrepancies between a successful business and a fulfilling family life. In the current economic situation I'm coming to understand that, as the 'breadwinner' I've had to make some sacrifices. One of these, regrettably, has been the freedom to be with my offspring whenever it suits. I'm constantly reminded by my incredible wife, Bryn, that people who moan about having too much work and how hard their life is whilst waist deep in a recession are not going to be too popular. Time to knuckle down!
It is great to see all these people who have responded to your post and have succeeded in tackling similar issues in one way or another. I find that both inspiring and somewhat reassuring. Many thanks to you all.
Anyway, for me, the clear dilineation of work and family time is of paramount importance. I try and get back every weekday night and put the kid to bed when I can. Between 6 and 8pm there is definitely no email, Twitter or web-related stuff. I can do that later with a beer. Friday nights and weekends are sacrosanct – Honey wins out every time and I try to cram in as much time for her as possible. In fact, I should be watching Charlie & Lola with her instead of typing this…
I'm off.
Feb 8th, 2009
Ryan Carson
When does your wife have time to do what she wants?
Feb 8th, 2009
Ryan Carson
When does your wife have time to do what she wants?
Feb 8th, 2009
Ryan Carson
Thanks – it's on my mind a lot – I'm constantly asking myself if I'm a good dad or not.
Feb 8th, 2009
Ryan Carson
Jon – it sounds like you're an amazing dad and husband. Thanks for the encouragement and good example.
Feb 8th, 2009
Ryan Carson
Good call bud – thanks for chipping in. Hope you and the fam are rocking.
Feb 8th, 2009
Ryan Carson
Hey Dan – thanks for stopping by. Have fun watching Charlie and Lola :)
Feb 8th, 2009
Mark Walmsley
If you mean when she isn't undergoing some form of torture in a salon ;-), Saturday morning is part of our routine Ryan. I have the kids on my own from first thing until lunch or PM depending on any pre-arranged plans my wife may have. It's her protected time. We both get time of our own and as a family at the weekend.
Since I became Strategy Director at Vivid Lime in December I've had to commute from Reigate in Surrey to London. I drop JW at the nursery at 8 having got him and MW ready. I then hop onto the 8.27 to London Bridge and I'm on-line at 0830. Since I started, I have been out of the door at 6pm without fail to get the 6.29 from London Bridge back home in time for bath, book and bed all round.
Mark
Feb 8th, 2009
Steven Dawson
Hello Ryan and all…
lots of good thoughts here. What a grand bunch of Dad's we all are…
I'm a freelance weveloper (typo – but I quite like it actually) working in Bristol and my wife has just started to work part-time… and we are trying to home educate our two (5 and 1). So I'm currently trying to negotiate a very strange new set of work and parenting shifts.
Personally, I'm quite liking having varied time slots for working. I seem to be more productive having say a 6 hour day on Thursdays and a half day on Fridays, than I was having five 8 hour days ahead of me. I think I'm more aware of not having so much time in the office, so I make better use of my time.
Much as I try to say I'll get some work done when they go to sleep, so often getting them down can be a surprisingly long process, that I'm just not in any frame of mind to re-open the laptop and dive back into some code. I find going in early more helpful than working late.
I am extreamly lucky to have a 5 minute commute, by foot. So I do get the luxury of a few at home lunches with the whole crew within the week, and always manage to get back for evening meals and stories…
What I think children benefit from most, is just time and attention with either of their parents. So whilst there will definetly be times when I'm distracted by work, or have to work late. The very fact that my kids seem me everyday, morning and night at the least, and they know I'm near if they need me far out ways the down side of having an occasionally distracted Dad.
It's great for our Children to know about our jobs. if for no other reason than to help demystify the adult world.
To sign off… I think whoever said first of all about keeping the laptop off was spot on. Must be very annoying for a kid to have Dad or mum "Jus checking one little thing… hold on there… one minute".
And then just remember to enjoy the good, fun times… and when it's not going so great, just push on through… and it will get good again in a moment.
Big up all New School Dad's. keep keeping on…
Feb 8th, 2009
Marcus
Haven't read all of this in detail, but I get the impression that you're all dads of fairly young children. My advice would be to be yourself and don't try to be something you're not – i.e. if you're selfish, well, then you're selfish. When they're older if they know you for who you actually are then they are far more likely to trust/want to be with/have a laugh with you. Don't beat yourself up about it or glorify it – sure, you have responsibilities as a father, but there's only been a few billion before you ;-)
Feb 8th, 2009
Ryan Carson
Cool – Gill and I have just schedule in some 'protected time' for her on Friday – she's looking forward to it :)
Feb 9th, 2009
Ryan Carson
Good luck – it's awesome beng a dad and I'm sure you'll love it.
Feb 9th, 2009
Ryan Carson
Hey Marcus – thanks for stopping by. When are you going to sing 'Welcome to the Jungle' on Boagworld? Im waiting! :)
Feb 9th, 2009
Lachy
Ey Ryan! You sound like a great father ;) Who wouldn't want a web dev for a Dad? I'm a 14 year old web dev, in Australia. I just gotta say, the one thing I wish my Dad had got me into earlier was sport, start from a very young age, lots and lots of sport :P Anyway, just have a good ballance, work from set time to set time, get home, and spend time with family, keep work at work, family at home. You should be able to get everything accomplished in a 9-5 and not need to work out of that time.
Feb 9th, 2009
Matt Carey
It seems a common theme is developing; setting aside time every day and developing a routine.
I've been running my own design studio for 6 years, 2 of those without children and now I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I've always tried to stop at 5.30/6 and do bath time (when they needed it) and now play, followed by bedtime stories. I cherish that time. Sometimes I miss bedtime if I'm traveling from a meeting but I try not too. Once the children are asleep, my wife and I eat and then I go back and do some more work. I want to flip to being up super early rather than late but I'm struggling with the flip!
I do occasionally work the odd day at a weekend but I have made a real effort not to and it is a real rare occurrence now.
When it is children time the iphone and laptop are put out of sight…
Feb 9th, 2009
ICU
Yep, sounds like we're all very lucky that we a) have jobs we love and b) can set our own schedules; my wife is also self-employed, as an acupuncturist, so we have great flexibility here.
Like some above, I stop work at a specific time every day (6PM) and never work the weekends. I sometimes do an hour in the evening but, honestly, I hate it; commerce in the evening feels dirty, and not in a good way.
I work from home. I'm around for every breakfast and and every dinner. I happen to love it but I'm also glad I'm probably saving my little one a lot of trouble later in life. I always knew I didn't want to be the distant dad.
I see a clear 1.0 correlation between my daughter's good spirits and how much time we spend with her. If we get off balance during the week, it only takes a day or two for it to show up in her behavior.
I drop my girl (she's almost four) to pre-school a couple of mornings a week, and pick her up a couple of mornings. I love reading to her. We did a little origami this weekend. We do very little TV unless she's sick or home from school for some reason.
I'm someone who had zero dad skillz before my daughter arrived. The early months were quite frightening to me: the human responsibility, the financial worries now that my wife wasn't working, the teething, the sleepless nights, a few trips to the hospital in the middle of the night, the diarrhea, the projectile vomiting. I have to say it's been the making of me.
The only part that's difficult for me is that I'm someone who needs time by himself, maybe a bit more that the average person. So between work, marriage and dad, I don't quite get enough me-time. But that's not forever. Right now my daughter thinks we're the be-all and end-all of coolness and all she wants to do is hang with us. Won't be long before she's rolling her eyes at me.
Great discussion.
Feb 9th, 2009
Ryan Cumley
My kiddo is too young to understand what I'm saying, but I want him to be exposed to genuine emotions from me, so I tell him about the things I'm excited about or feel strongly about. If I'm stoked about something cool at work, even if it's technical and complex, I tell him all about it. If I'm reading an article to him from the economist and I feel strongly about it, I'll turn to him and explain my thoughts.
I talk fast and make complex arguments. He doesn't understand the content, but he knows I'm talking directly to him, and I hope it creates an environment of openly sharing our thoughts with each other. I figure if he's used to seeing his dad being open, he'll be inclined to be open himself.
Eventually I'll bring it to his level and answer his questions and explain things to him. But I want him to have a model of an adult who's passionate and competent at his work, and I'd rather it was his dad than some boss he has when he's 20.
I think as he gets older I'd like to have him regularly overhear work phone-calls or read my work e-mails so he has exposure to something other than fellow teenagers in their first job.
A bunch of good dad's out there it seems! I'm excited that my kid will get to grow up amongst other kids who had good dads.
Feb 9th, 2009
TomB
This comment system sucks.
I've written a long and considered response to this post, had to sign up for Intense Debate and then it didn't appear. I rewrote it, sent it and it failed again. Then again (I'd copied the text). And it failed again. I'm frustrated and annoyed.
Feb 15th, 2009
TomB
Tried again. Failed. Maybe it was too long (why no indication of this then?) As my previous moany comment got through, I'll divide my comment into two and then try again.
Researchers into fatherhood look at three elements to a child's experience of their father that are all valuable, and it's worth looking at all of these.
1. Engagement – this is when you are really focussed on your child – undisracted, having quality time. It's definitely the most valuable element of fathering for children, and they get the most benefit from this in terms of cognitive, social and learning development. But engagement is in turn dependent on other factors that you need to pay attention to – it doesn't just happen. There's other things…
2. Availabillity – just being around is important – even if you are working on your laptop, or cooking something, you are available to your child if they want you, and you need to be available for enagement to happen. Try working from home a bit more – it's invaluable for children to see their dads working, to make a connection with what we actually do with our lives.
3. Responsibility – do you take responsibility for your child's health, education and social life, do you share it or do you delegate this all to his mum? Having some involvement at this level is really important for your connection to your child, and means you will have more of an understanding of their lives at a quite fundamental level.
Feb 15th, 2009
TomB
Having to divide my comment into pieces – this is silly.
I know you're a web apps kinda guy, so I'd like you point you to http://odadeo.com and ask you to join up and have a look around. You're lucky in that you have a popular blog, can ask questions and get a lot of responses, but most dads don't. So Odadeo is a new (UK based) startup designed to provide dads with just that kind of platform. It starts with the question: "How am I going to be a great dad?"
Feb 15th, 2009
TomB
You could make a pledge such as "I'm going to be less selfish", if thats what you think is going to help you become a better dad. Then ask a question to the community… along the lines you have done here. When you make progress on a pledge, you can 'pip' it, and Odadeo will track your progress on the DADSDAQ. We'd love to get your thoughts and feedback on the site too (I'm the community manager there).
Feb 15th, 2009
TomB
I also run http://www.dad.info – we distribute half a million information cards to new dads via midwives in the NHS every year, and Dad Info has some really good information for new dads. You might find some of the content useful.
What a palavar commenting here – was it something to do with me posting links int the comments? It's taken me three quarters of an hour! Erk! Should be with my kid :)
Feb 15th, 2009
Ryan Carson
Hi Tom,
I'm so sorry about this! I didn't know it was causing so much problem :(
Ryan
Mar 2nd, 2009
Ryan Carson
Thanks Tom – I'll check it out!
Mar 2nd, 2009
Gene_Crawford
Ryan, I've been in business with my company (which does similar things as yours) for about 7 years now. I've put my family through a lot over the years with trying to make this business work, it actually got to a point a few years ago where I honestly thought I might lose them all very soon if I didn't just make a clear decision to pay some attention where it was most needed.
The answer wasn't my business, in the back of my mind I thought that my business would suffer if I wasn't there to tend to every little detail or be around for the people I work with every stinking minute. But you know what? It didn't suffer, we started to do better than we ever did, I was happier and as a result the people who work for me (and most of them still do to this day) started stepping up and doing the things that I was obsessively doing.
The reality is you don't need to spend every waking hour working, you have absolutely got to take time out for the important things in your life, you just have to make a conscious decision to put your work/business behind the people you love and it sounds like you've figured out a way to do that yourself, bravo!
Mar 6th, 2009
Sulcalibur
One of my kids first sentences was "Get up daddy!" – Nice :P I think what your child say at the early stages reflects ALOT on the parents.
Also, congrats on the 'at!' :)
Jul 27th, 2009
Chad
Hey I love what you have to say. I accidentally found you on Twitter and took a look at your site.
I'm not a dad but I can remember how my dad managed family and work when I was young. He's passionate about his business, he works for an organization called the Navigators kind of like a personal coach.
When I was younger he used to do a lot of work at universities and once in a while he'd take me along to things. Take me to watch him play hockey, a pick up soccer game, even to meetings and things like that. It felt awesome! Just being a part of his actual life, it blended the home life and the work life together.
I think family is far more important than work, but you work for your family so it's hard to distinguish the importance level between the two as they are so connected. Him bringing me to little things like that just showed me where he was when he wasn't at home. Kind of giving me insight as to why he wasn't always at home playing with me or my sister.
Hope this helps! Thanks for your thoughts.
Chad
Dec 4th, 2009
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